I was thinking……

It has been troubling me for probably close to 9 months now although my “condition” probably began much earlier on in my life.  I really noticed the issues when I became incapable of writing the essential if not enjoyable ‘to-do-list’.  My problem this:  I find myself so wound up in the small details of tasks that achieving anything let alone the task at hand is impossible!!!!! I have come to think of it as over-organising and it results in a kind of reversal …. I have become so disorganised so cluttered and so so so frustrated.  Take my to-do-list issue, I have always written little reminders or short lists of what needs to be done, not so often have i stuck to these or really needto refer to them to keep me on track, but instead the whole process of preparing the lists was the beneficial part of this task.  As my over-organising  became more involved my lists also became more involved often with attachments and links reminding me of where to get things I need to complete my list of daily chores!!! Over the top? yes but still I enjoyed it and found myself planning, designing and creating many different lists, schemes and i guess mind-maps, which for me was a pleasure probably because i love to write, to think, to learn, to discuss, to read and to create things….. but I’d come to a bit of a lull, a standstill and I think my brain was finding a way to still use these skills but on rather meaningless projects.  As time ticked by the lists no longer became ticked off nor compiled anymore as before I could write a list my mind would come up with a number of things to be done first like finish the dishes, tidy the desk, find that certain type of paper and the 8 specific pens in order to write the list!  Needless to say as my days progressed and other matters needed seeing to – the writing part of my life (lists and memos etc) dropped away.  This symptom is just one of the majors which already I have just now summed up and in a way explained the cause to my self I need to write I need to engage my mind and I found an avenue in my lists but it may have been not quite enough to keep me going so my membership kinda expired.  I couldn’t/can’t write anymore……. but wasn’t aware that this was bothering me until now!!!!  I am now onto a different stage in my condition which involves many piles of folded and unfolded washing, stacks of papers-article-cut outs, clutter and a sense of despair when the day is coming to an end and I again seem to achieve nothing new nothing exciting or nothing noticable.  The piles I believe are linked to needing the perfect place to put them away to??? but that is something I will describe and explain in more detail next time I add my thoughts.  Wow that feels so so so good to get that out and believe me if I could have spoken it out loud it would have come rushing out in a very long, not wanting to stop for a breath  – mouthful.  Anyway i’m off to think about stuff cause i can and i do.  (too much i’m aware but just give me a focus and i’ll be right!)